July 20th 2022 – writer’s retreat

I am gearing up for a fun five day writer’s retreat which will be self guided. I have rented myself a renovated Barn, with lots of open space and even a coffee shop nearby! In order to prepare I had to put my Costa Rica diaries in order and label them. Here is my handywork:

I can’t believe in one year I filled 9 diaries! Some are smaller, but still. I have been working on the same diary now since 2012. I am shocked, I had to just look that up. So I have been trying to fill up one small diary for ten years and in one eventful year I filled up 9 diaries.

I am so excited for my writer’s retreat in the country. I have made a schedule for each day which includes one hour hikes for birdwatching (excellent in the area my host says), meditation time, poetry writing (half an hour), and soaking in the clawfoot tub time. Oh yes, and diary reading (1 hour per day).

I am making all my meals up ahead of time so that I just have to focus on writing lots. I took a master class online today for memoir writing and it really got me jazzed. The master class encouraged me to find the heart of my story (theme) so I am working on that.

I have already taken writing courses where I worked on different chapters of my memoir (#1) and character development etc. so I guess my next step is putting all of those disjointed works together to see what I have so far…. I want to be ready for Monday so that all I have to do on my retreat is write write write.

Bye for now

“The Clutter Boom”: a generation of stuff

June 9th 2022

This is my new book’s working title, coming soon!

Ha ha, not soon with how slowly I write.

It will be about the baby boomer’s love of stuff and how their kids are dealing with the burden of sorting through all of it as they age, downsize and die.

If you didn’t know my sidehustle when I’m not lemur watching is organizing.

Just wanted to get that out there that I coined the term first.

I also figured it could become a verb in the sense “My weekend was a total drag, my parents clutter boomed me an entire house and its contents and we spent two days knee deep in boxes”.

We shall see…..

Excerpt from draft Introduction:

Whether you live in a cluttered or tidy space, one truth you will know: stuff generates. We live with an ever increasing pile of things around us, unless we consciously de-clutter. I have noticed something about my clients – they are baby boomers or the kids of baby boomers and they are dealing with not only their own stuff but the stuff from other generations foisted upon them. Take an honest look at your own life – chances are you are either holding onto boxes for kids or guilty of leaving your unwanted stuff – that you still have some form of attachement to – with your parents. To those grown kids who have left their Carebears in boxes in Mom and Dad’s attic years after leaving the nest, be warned: the clutter boom is coming. Is it unfair, is it payback? Either way it is getting closer and closer.

This is not going to be the fun and sparkle of the baby boom but a deafening roar as your free time is absorbed by a growing and angry hoard.

From the great garbage patch in the ocean to the clothing graveyard of the Atacama desert there is no getting away from our discarded stuff. We must dispose of our unwanted items as ethically and responsibly as is possible in our neighbourhoods while advocating for better systems to deal with excess stuff. In my community, unwanted clothing goes to Goodwill. Other household items go to the Re-Store. …..

Big Practice

Tuesday, July 12th 2005

Dear Diary,

I guess I forgot to write yesterday. The whole house is clean, no thanks to Jessie. He just sits on the couch and complains about how bad he has it or criticizes me. Why can’t you do this tomorrow?! I will be ready for the big practice tomorrow. I have found my back is very fucked with a sore spot which radiates pain. I will stretch twice a day and drinks lots of water. Jessie won’t be coming to cheer me on since it’s too early for him to wake up. Good riddance anyway. Soon I get my massage and I know I’ve bene very smart to book time off work. Jessie implies I’m a fool not to drive to (nearby town) to try on the wet suit so perhaps I shall. (Kitty) is so cute. When I told her to be good because I had to clean, she sat in the one spot I had already cleaned and just wathced me!

Love, Me

Fight with Jessie

Sunday July 10th 2005

Dear Diary,

Five days to go ’till Triathlon. I must rent a wetsuit, book a massage. Get a haircut? Tomorrow I work 9-1 at (job 1) and 3:30-8:30 at (job 2). That will suck. Tonight was Joy’s (Stepmom’s) birthday party. Jessie and I are fighting and I told him I hate him in a mean way. I guess that’s the only way to say that but I meant it when I said it so that’s pretty mean. Im reading a good, lighthearted book. I’m so sad about this ‘break-up’ but I won’t think about it ’till after the triathlon. Good night. I wish I hadn’t been so mean I’m just so angry. Kitty is cute.

Love Me. Cool new book.

Thoughts on Jessie Diary

By far, hands down, “Jessie” was my worst boyfriend ever. He was emotionally abusive in every aspect of the term. I can tell from reading these diaries I wasn’t ready to move in with him, hated living with him and was relieved when we broke up. More upsetting is the editing of my own thoughts which I did out of fear of his reaction. Not surprising as he was reading my diaries. This diary was a spiral notebook that I never really identified with as a true diary. Half of it is ripped out and missing as I mention in the last entry. Some entries were loose pages which I have managed to hold onto over the years (not those ripped out but letter size pages). I do wonder what was in those ripped out pages and mourn their loss to this day. I always remembered it as Jessie being the one who ripped out the pages. Ha ha. One thing I recall is that the thing that got him so mad was that I had had a dream about an ex boyfriend. Oh the drama.

A note. Angle from heaven was a joke I enjoyed making at Jessie’s expense. He wrote me a love poem and wanted to say I was an angel from heaven but wrote Angle from heaven. I thought it was better and less cliche as angle from heaven because to me it conjured up a ray of golden light which is a better way to describe me.

Lesbian fantasy

April 30th 2006, 2:33 AM

Dear Diary:

This is not my diary and I cannot find a pen! Weird. Anyway, it must do. Kitty wants attention. Today was one of those great days! Tonight I was out on the single scene. And it was … fun. K told me some news. I love K with all my heart and I pray to God for her because she is the most amazing true person in the world and I am just so proud of her I could cry but its best that I don’t. The people I know are just doing so well and I am just so happy. Life is good. Sigh……

Kitty is my angle from heaven and my friends are true friends. I had a great day with Nicola and fun with K, T, P, Patrick, Abby and Alex (my new friend) (yes just friend). Argh. Anyway, he was cool. And I got flirted with but I think I played it cool. I only had 1.5 beers and one toke off a joint but too many cigarettes. Since when does everyone pass joints around bars?? Oh well. So I just wanted to say that I got the word out somewhat about me and Jessie I guess because I told like four people. T, P, some guy, and Melina and I talked to Abby which was good. Plus step-dad. We had great fun hanging out as a family for dinner. Truly it was fun.

P.S. I am reading sex and the single girl and around the world in 80 dates to help stay positive!

P.P.S I read this diary. It didn’t take long. The reason it’s so short is because Jessie read my diary and yelled at me for the contents and I ripped the pages out in a fit of passion and anger and threw the pages at him. So I blame him for the fact that this diary could be better. Ha ha. Poor Jessie. I have love in my heart for him to this day. Thank God we are broken up though. Some think we will get back together. Time will tell though eh? I think not.

Love me, tennis star. My opinion is that I don’t write too bad. Ha ha. Go to bread.

Too bad I keep thinking of hilarious things eh? Tonight my best bud K said she was going to have an exquisite (?) party or something. Ha ha. that’s not the name but something like it. Anyway, it’s like a Tupperware party only for sex toys. My word. And all kinds of girl friends will be there for in K’s words BBQ, DDR, [sex toys], and then a big drinking binge (!). Sounds titillating. I don’t know about you but I couldn’t help thinking this sounds like a lesbian’s wildest fantasy. Anyway, it’s happening and i get to make the invitations. Sounds fun. Bye Now.

Moving in with Jessie

July 12 2004

If I’m going to write something personal it might as well be in one of my numerous diaries. Plus this entry is perfect diary business being about boy stress and all. Hmm Why I am so anxious: by Me.

#1 Because I have to move and that creates stress because you cant know what is going to happen and you can’t prepare for it. I’m worried about moving out because of how terrible it was last time I moved out. It’s like I have all the feelings from that again. What I learned that time is that when you’re overwhelmed you have to ask for help. So maybe i will need help moving.

#2 Because I’m moving in with Jessie and he is hard to understand sometimes. That sounds bad. I just mean I want lots of time to talk to him and what I get doesn’t seem like enough since we are busy. Will it work? Did we get the right place?Should I have said no? Will I be ready to move out? I think there is no need for stress. Today is July 12th. 19 more days until we move in. I have to talk to my Dad about this soon and the Landlady. Saving money is important. No worries. You can do it! I do hate this diary. I may trash it you know and get a good one.

OK. 15 minutes later: weird things are happening to me. I knew I was psychic right? I found out Jessie was too a while ago. Ha ha ha. I feel this way right – see above. I sit down to have a smoke and play Jessie’s CD. I haven’t played it for months. Since he gave it to me. Immediately he calls me. Weird. He’s at work. He never calls me from work. He says we have to talk. He also doesn’t normally say that. Or call to say that! ha ha. Shouldn’t worry so much about what this means but I immediately think: that’s it. He doesn’t want to move in. He wants to get out of it. He wants to break up with me. I know this is crazy to think. I also think all this anxiety I’ve felt today is just me picking up on what he’s thinking. But what is he thinking? I won’t know until tomorrow. We do need to talk I’m just worried we should have talked more before this point! ha ha. I think that with all my psychology classes, courses on relationships, I would be more skilled. Ha ha. The only thing I’m worried about for me is that I’m not able to tell him some really personal things and he notices this but I think about as I will get better. I am easy on myself. He beats himself up and makes more of things. I take the opposite approach. Anyway, I’m worried that he might be thinking something drastic. I hope not. He was trying to tell me something last night but I couldn’t make anything of it. How he feels about me. He said I’m trying to tell you something but I don’t know how. I just said that I was listening and we kissed but that was the end of the conversation. I know that everything I thought after his call is just my deepest fears and probably not what’s going on. He is right we should talk it’s just interesting I guess that he’s thinking about it so much that he had to call me to make plans. He does think about things a lot. Anyway, I’m going to the gym now. See ya. Wish me luck.

Bad Relationship

Undated, 2005?

Dear Diary:

I hate Jessie. Ha ha just kidding. I just think he’s a mean, insensitive, jerk. I can’t write anymore without thinking would Jessie find this acceptable. That’s my problem. But I’m so mad at him all the time. I feel hopelessly alone. It’s because I spend too much time with him and I have no friends and no one to talk to. That’s how I feel. He doesn’t understand the concept of privacy, I know he is reading this. I can’t get over it. Even the most obvious things he does against me he turns into my fault. I’m over-emotional, a baby, a fucking idiot. I don’t want to feel that way. I shouldn’t have him constantly saying that to me. I know I shouldn’t be smoking but I can’t seem to stop. I’m depressed I guess. I wish he didn’t have so much control over how I feel. I’m upset because we got in a fight and he called me… you know. And he’s been doing it for a long time. I guess he’s not happy about something and takes it out on me. He apologized. I wish I believed things would change. It scares me to think that its not going to get better and I’m wrong to stay with him.

Oh yeah, so anyway, we had that fight and I was so angry and I had to go to work upset. I felt sick to my stomach coming home and I did today too. When I got home my room was all changed around and he had put a drum set and all his instruments in there for recording etc. He didn’t ask me or tell me about it. He won’t admit it was wrong. I am wrong for not supporting what is so important to him. Do you see how I feel??

I know I am not what he says: wrong, immature, making a big deal out of nothing. He has no respect for me. It makes it worse that he’s been acting weird, like I’m an annoyance who is in his way. I am sitting on the balcony now. I moved some of my things into ‘his’ room where we sleep and put my personal things away. I guess this is his music room now and (his sister’s) bed room because she is staying here for a month. Everyone must baby Jessie and heaven forbid someone expresses a thought or feeling. It will always be ridiculously wrong. I’m not comfortable in my own home. I guess I’m sleeping here tonight. I don’t want to sleep on Nicola’s crappy bed like last night (it was nice to have a place to go though).

Everything will be alright. I will get over being mad. It would help a lot if he would admit he was wrong. He wants me to visit his family tomorrow and it is causing me stress. Maybe I will write again tomorrow. I want to go to the gym and shopping and have a clean house. Maybe I can do all those things. Bye for now.

Since we’re digging into the early 2000’s poetry…

My mantra, which has remained my mantra since this drunken night out in the 2000’s sometime.

This one pretty much speaks for itself.

They (those types that try and help you get over your addictions) say everyone should have a mantra and I agree whole heartedly. I say this anytime I feel annoyed or depressed and it makes me smile. Yes, I am ZÖR.

I’m up late tonight and my husband is up early in Madagascar getting ready to take a flight to the capital. He says “you write and write for fun on the computer? but you should write in Malagasy!” I said “OK here is my Malagasy poem”:

Gasy mofo

Mofo gasy

Toto voanjo

Voanjo toto

Eka botabota

Botabota Eka

Misaotra malalako

Malalako misaotra!

Translated as:

Malagasy bread

Bread Malagasy

Peanut butter

Butter peanut

Yes chubby

chubby yes

thank-you my love

my love thank-you!

-Wow I am on fire tonight!

I call it…Jagobo azo raho valiko (I miss you my husband)

Everything that scares us most

Undated – 2003?

People always ask me: When did you realize you were crazy? Believe me, there were signs! I am totally kidding, no one asks people that. This is by far my most cherished piece of writing.

I went camping this one time with some friends and my “boyfriend” of the time who in my diaries here I refer to as Everitt. Of course I got drunk and moody late one night. So I stumbled down the path to the picnic table, grabed a flashlight, pen and paper and wrote this note. I was pretty blitzed and don’t remember much, the next morning I got up early and was shocked to see someone had written us a note! And it was all cryptic and weird? I read it to the end before realizing that my drunk ass had written it the night before. It freaked me out. Not recognizing myself and also that the whole post was me arguing with my mind. That’s weird. Years later I read somewhere that when mountain lions call they sound like screaming. So that was spooky as hell too on a whole other level. We don’t have mountain lions up here though do we?

Those birds sound like screaming.

Birds? This black sounds like screaming. It’s calling you. Just let yourself answer. Come on, it’s only you. You aren’t scared of me are you? You trust me right? Your closest friend.

God damn. I shouldn’t even have to ask. Come with me then, We’ll do everything that scares us most. You’ll love it. Just imagine how aweful it will be!

Aw Fuck I can’t wait, but you’ll never let us. Chicken shit.

(illegible rambling)

I’m smarter than you. And I’ll get you, Just wait.

So, OK, in my 2022 mind there are a couple things going on here.

A) mountain lions were stalking me and somehow I tuned into their brainwaves and they are daring me to wander down the forest path into the danky darkness to be killed and eaten.

B) the crazy side of my brain was talking and saying hmm you know what would be neat? Going full crazy. Foreshadowing, people!

C) you tell me